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Do YOU have boundaries?
Or... will you do whatever is physically possible for your job or your family? Saying no is one of the hardest things for most people to do. This goes with friends, family and work relationships.
My (personal) reasons:
1) Good Girl Syndrome
I am a "good girl" and I always do what I'm asked.
I want to help and do a good job.
2) Fear of Disappointing Someone
I hate when it looks like I've ripped their heart out by declining.
(OMG I could just die.)
3) Worried About What "They" Will Think
Maybe they'll think that I don't want to be a part of their tribe.
If I didn't do it... it would look really bad on my part.
4) Missed Opportunity
Maybe they won't ask me again ;-(
If I do this.... it will be that much better.
So… Are there advantages to saying No?
· You help to rethink the proposal to come up with a better option for everyone.
· You allow other people to step up and take part.
· You will have time to eat well, exercise and get mental clarity.
· You won't burn out and become resentful.
· You will love your life more.
· You will earn respect.
Healthy Lifestyle Tip No. 7 | Practice saying no, nicely!
People hear the word no and understand it in different ways
Here are few approaches and exact language that you can use to minimize the hurt. I found this text in a language book and loved it. *
The Clarification Approach
Do you say yes too quickly? This helps to buy you time to make sure you and the other person understand what's being asked and how it impacts you.
· Just to clarify, are you asking me to... ?
· When you say you want me to do xyz, this means that...
The Recognition Approach
When you say no, the other person could get angry or frustrated. With this approach, you let the person know that you heard and understood them.
· I can see why this is important for you. However...
· I appreciate that you think that this is the way forward. My own feeling here is that...
· I totally accept what you're saying I just feel that, at this point in time, we need to...
The Negotiated Approach
Perhaps it's not a complete no... Here you highlight what could work for you and then carefully express what's not going to work.
· I think we both agree that... However, my own view is that we need to...
· Where we agree is that... I think where we disagree is how to...
· That's going to be difficult. But I could do... instead.
· It might be possible, assuming that we can...
The Coach Approach
I love this one. Your boss or partner delegates a task to you and they obviously didn't think about all the other crap that you are doing for them. This tactic works by asking a question that forces them to realize what they are truly asking (and hopefully change their mind without you having to say no ;-)
· So, how much time do you think it will take for me to...?
· To what extent does this have priority over what I'm doing at the moment?
· Have you thought about any other possible solutions?
The Network Approach
Get to know your colleagues and friends and what they can do. You don't want to do it, but you know somebody who would.
· I don't think I'm going to have time to do this, but ___ may be able to help.
· Oh wow, that's a great opportunity for ____ to get started in ___. They'd love to help out.
If you want to have a truly happy and healthy life that you are satisfied with… it will greatly help to learn how to say no and set boundaries. Keep doing the things you would love to do and stop doing the things that make you feel like scratching own eyes out.
*Language Book Source
I got the language from a magazine intended to teach German speakers how to say no at work in English. I loved it and found it amazingly appropriate for my coaching clients! You can get the original from Business Spotlight Magazine 2/2012. Business Skills, Saying No. Article written by Bob Dignan.